Chris and I looked very young for our age back then ( I swear, once you have kids, you begin to age in dog years) So when we would take our babies out in public, many times we would get the “angry eyes” stares, the all too common “tisk, tisk, tisk” as we pushed our baby stroller through the mall. Occasionally we would even hear groups of people (mostly women) express their inappropriate judgments out loud for all to hear. “Babies having babies! That’s the problem with the world today! And OUR taxes are paying for it!” Keep in mind…I was 28! Certainly no baby!

What made it even harder for me was the obvious lack of support due to my assumed age. Heaven forbid I would leave my baby cry for 2 minutes while I looked for a place to sit down and feed him while pushing a stroller, searching a diaper bag for a blanket and juggling the bags of stuff I had bought. And don’t even THINK about asking someone for help! One woman literally told me “You should have realized how hard this would be before you got knocked up!”

And that’s where I began to realize, The Village doesn’t exist anymore.

Still, my dream of support and a “sisterhood of mothers’ wouldn’t die completely, yet. It continued throughout my boy’s toddler and preschool years. I would join mom’s clubs only to find that “play date” would have been more appropriately titled “bitch session” and trips to the playground were more like WWF competitions where everyone was picking on each other and fighting for control over the sandbox…and I’m not talking about the kids!

I guess I had an unrealistic vision of what this was all supposed to look like…I believed that things were like they used to be when I was little. If my mom had to use the restroom, or change a siblings diaper, or wash sand out of someone’s eyes…the other mothers were right there to lend a hand. They would just step in and take over…it was seamless and it was acceptable…and it worked! So when did everyone become so against it?

Once my boys reached school age, I thought things would have to get better, right? If nothing else, there’s always school spirit and a sense of community within a school district. At least that’s how it was on TV and in the movies…so I just felt it THAT is where I would find my Village.

So I joined the PTA! That’s where the REAL motherhood congregates…in my dreams we would plan dances and book sales, we would have Sunday brunches where we would plan field trips and count box tops. We would offer each other unconditional support and advice and it would be everything I dreamed of through those lonely pre-school years. Yeah…..no. Enough said.

That was the last straw…My dreams were officially dashed. I decided then and there that someone had nuked any villages that existed when I was a kid and there was no chance of rebuilding because the foundation was destroyed. So I holed myself up in my own little world and became “cordial mom”. You know who I am. I’m the one who will do what you need me to do if it makes things better for the kids, I spend the whole time interacting with the kids…and then I go home.

It’s not that I’m being rude; I just don’t have time for anything else. I don’t have time for girl chat at the playground because I’m too busy driving to stuff since no one car pools anymore. I don’t have time to stay and help clean up after the assembly because I have to be home for my kindergartener to get off the bus because there are no block parents anymore. I won’t be coming to your moms club meetings because I’m too tired of chasing my kids around making sure they don’t do anything “wrong” and I have better things to do than judge the parenting of every other mom who’s not there.

But more importantly, I’m really busy with reconstruction right now…

I’ve decided to rebuild The Village. I’ve taken a stand for the sisterhood…

So if your kid falls off his chair, and your hands are full…I’ll help him up, sister.

If your baby drops his bottle and your on the phone and don’t notice…oops! I’ll get that for you sister.

If you need someone to sit by the pool and watch your child while you go change another one’s blow-out diaper…take your time! I’m not going anywhere sister!

I’m here to offer a hand when you’re struggling, suggestions without judgment when you ask and support when you need it. ‘Cuz that’s how sisters roll in My “Village”.

On the Internet we’ve been exposed to photos of parents using unusual punishments to correct their child’s “bad behavior”.  One father had his adolescent daughter hold a sign in public that read, “I lied to my dad”.  Though I understood the reasoning behind wanting to humiliate your child into changing that behavior, many comments online suggested he was too weak with his punishment or that he was being a monster…comments came from all ends of the judgment spectrum. When one person would dare to speak out in defense of “not knowing the whole story”, that person would be shot down with a line like “lying isn’t acceptable no matter what and needs to be stopped immediately!”

And those were the comments that got me thinking; Don’t most parents set the example of lying on a regular basis and label it “tradition” or “innocent” when called on it?

Let’s really think about it…

Santa

The Easter Bunny

The Tooth Fairy

The Pot of Gold at the end of a Rainbow

The dog ran away…

Or how about: “Don’t answer that phone, I don’t want them to know we are home.”” Tell them we already gave at the office” or “I told them we had other plans.”.

We tell our children to lie when we say things like, “If you don’t want to play with her, we can tell her you aren’t allowed to come over.”  Or “Don’t spit out your food/refuse a gift/turn up your nose…just pretend you like it or you will offend the person who gave it to you.” or  ”Don’t tell Daddy we had ice cream, he’d be sad that we didn’t bring him any.”

We teach children that lying makes people feel good (or better) and avoids hurt feelings.  We teach children that lying keeps us from confrontation or the disappointment of the truth, and we tell them that in certain cases, lying actually makes people happy!  But in our defense, we do change the names of our lies to protect the innocent.  We call them fibs, or myths or “little white lies” (because that’s the color the ‘good guys’ and the angels wear.)  Yet we forget that by changing the name of what we are doing, in essence, we are creating another lie.

So why in the world do we think as parents that as soon as our child lies, they are being bad or vindictive or naughty…when in actuality, if we talked to them, we may find out that they were just trying to follow our lead, make us happy or keep from disappointing us!

Perhaps they thought, as they’ve been taught, that “little white lies” are more of a gift than a crime and actually, this whole “I can humiliate my child into being a better person” myth is all just another big lie.

Spankers can’t defend themselves…ironic?

All the uproar, all the arguing, all the threats and accusations…you can find spankers anywhere on-line stating: ”The biggest problem with the world today is that we can’t spank our kids anymore or we’ll go to jail.” or “If only we could still give our kids a good ass beatin’ when they need it, all our problems would go away.”

Then there are the latest polls that say “90% of American parents say they spank their kids.”

Well, if all of that is true, then I’m confused…

If 90% of American parents spank their kids, then why aren’t 90% of American parents in jail?  And if the overwhelming majority of parents DO spank…then why do we still have problems?  If 90% of American parents spank, then why aren’t 90% of American children well behaved, respectful little angels as the beliefs of these parents would suggest?

So I set out to find the answers.  I invited professionals and/or experts on both sides of the corporal punishment coin to weigh in and voice their opinions and facts on my radio show.  But a funny thing happened, only the anti spankers replied.  So, I put out another, more specific request asking for ONLY people who could defend spanking and its benefits on a non biased, non judgmental radio show (thinking that would help them feel more accepted)…and guess what happened…yup, nothing!  Not one person stepped up to the plate to defend the spankers who apparently make up 90% of the parenting population of the USA.

So, I conducted a little poll of my own.  I started asking those parents in my community and online who actually admit to spanking, “How do you define spanking and how often would you say you actually spank your kids?”

What I learned was sad…but not shocking.

What I learned was that one (yes 1) of the parents I spoke with actually uses spanking as a tool in their “discipline toolbox” so to speak and even in that case, the parent admitted to using that “tool” two times in the child’s lifetime, so far.  ALL of the other parents I spoke with described reactive things like a swat on the bottom, a smack on the hand or mouth, a “good whack” when the child gets “out of control or mouthy” or in an extremely rare case, “the belt” when the parents threats don’t work or when the child completely humiliated or frustrated the parent.

What I did NOT find was that 90% who spank as a regular form of discipline.  Nor did I find even one parent who could defend their spankings as an effective, long term, positive discipline technique… in fact, in every case but the one, the spankers argument was angry, boastful, defensive and in some cases even hostile, yet none of them could tell me how their children were any better behaved than my kids and not one of them was willing to come on my show and admit to or defend it.

So, based on my “research” here’s what I believe to be the truth about spanking:

I think the recent polls are bull. I believe a more accurate result would have been that 90% of American parents have lost their temper and smacked their kid at one time or another as a reaction and that is not the same as using spanking or corporal punishment as discipline.  But because we cannot admit we screwed up or lost it, and because it probably happened to us as kids, we give it a socially accepted label and we defend it.

But here’s the truth, we all make mistakes, but polls and statistics like these allow us to turn those “mistakes” into what society should accept as “normal” so that we as parents don’t ever have to feel guilty or bad.  Well guess what, the reason we feel bad about hitting our kids is because it’s something to feel bad about!  Once we begin to set the model of being honest with ourselves and others and acknowledging our mistakes…perhaps we would find that our children are capable of forgiving us and following our lead by being the respectful, compliant little angels that would apparently, make all the world’s problems go away.

In Stop Raising Einstein, my Truth #2 is: “A child is responsible for how she or he reacts and the results that she or he creates.”

Examples of Teaching Accountability:
Accountability one of my most passionate beliefs. We began teaching accountability (unbeknownst to us at the time) when our boys were toddlers.
We would ask them to pick up a toy and if they did not do it we would tell them “if you do not put your toy away, you will not be allowed to play with it for a while.” If the second request was ignored, we would put it on top of the fridge.
If they asked for the toy while it was in time out, they were told, “you decided not to put it away when you were done with it, so now it is not an option for you for a while.”

Teaching Accountability Early Taught My Boys 2 Things:
 1. As parents we will follow through on our agreements and our word.

2. You can and do have choices…and you are responsible for the results of the choices you make.
These two lessons proved to be very helpful through the “blame game” years (4-9) where everything that went wrong was someone else’s fault.
My husband and I were very quick to point out “You made the choice to ________…and  that is what got you into this situation. I am happy to help you figure out what to do now, but blaming others is not an option.”

In order to be able to hold our children accountable, we first must give them the guidelines for being accountable. For instance, we have a family policy, if you have something that needs to be signed, filled out or corrected…it must come to me before 9pm on the day before it’s due. If you hand it to me in the morning before you run out the door…it will not be going with you. Period! If you get a bad grade or face discipline at the school…you caused that.

It may sound harsh, but I firmly believe that if I continued to do everything for them and not hold them accountable for anything, they would grow up with an unhealthy sense of entitlement and an irresponsibility that was completely unacceptable to me.

Now that my boys are 13 and 11, they have a very strong sense of “self” and great pride in their accomplishments. My oldest started middle school last year which means he must wake up nearly 2 hours earlier than he did in elementary school. ONE TIME he tried to blame me and dad for missing the bus…ONE TIME! Max has an alarm clock and fully functioning hearing…that was the last time he missed the bus.
And he was thrilled to be one of only a few students rewarded with a school trip to an amusement park as a result of his outstanding attendance record. Which HE earned!

Formula for Teaching Self-Discipline:  Set the expectation then hold them accountable for their choices. Expectation + Accountability = Self Discipline.

Living in Central Pa. my family is usually fairly safe from natural disasters like Earthquakes, Tornadoes and Hurricanes, so I have had little reason to “train” my kiddos the strategies of preparing for such events.  Even so, I am amazed at the number of people I have witnessed in the last 48 hours acting as though Armageddon is approaching…and they are sucking their children into their fear induced panic with them! 

Yes, I know we just experienced a 5.8 Earthquake…and Yes, Hurricane Irene is knocking on our shores…but is panicking and scrambling and scaring the dickens out of our kids really going to do any good for anyone?   I, for one, would rather take this opportunity to help teach my children to stay calm, think straight and PREPARE themselves rather than lose their heads and ultimately add to my stress.

I had the opportunity to chat with both my children and 2 of my oldest child’s friends this morning, and I asked them what their feelings are about the storm.  3 of the kids said they were a little nervous and 1 child said they were really scared and worried.  I asked “really worried” what was bothering them and they said their parents told them that this was going to be the worst storm in HISTORY and the devastation was going to be catastrophic and on and on…SERIOUSLY?!  I understand wanting our kids to be aware of what’s going on, but instilling that kind of fear into a child is really unnecessary. 

Hearing their terrified friend talk about what was about to happen was beginning to upset the other kids, so we decided to stop talking about the “what ifs” and start working on the things we could do to be prepared. 

1. Hearing about electrical outages makes kids think of one thing: THE DARK.  So we gathered candles, lighters and flashlights in case the lights went out.
2. My little Alex is a very nervous kid and the one thing that calms him down is reading…so we charged the Kindle and had him pick out his favorite books and put them in his backpack (‘cuz we won’t be looking for ANYTHING in the dark, remember?)
3. Max apparently has a fear of starving to death if he doesn’t eat every 2 hours…so we pulled out all the “no-need-to-heat-to-eat” foods, then we went to the local store and got some simple prep foods, bottled water and of course all the fixins for s’mores!
4. Speaking of s’mores…the boys gathered a pile of kindling and firewood and put it in a plastic tub so worst case scenario, we still have a campfire!
5. We put blankets and sleeping bags in the living room in case we need to have a PJ party.
6. We charged up the cell phones (the thought of not being able to text is worse than being without food apparently.)
7. We all took a walk around the yard and put away anything we wouldn’t want to blow away.

Then we all took a deep breath and acknowledged that our preperation made us all feel a little bit more at ease.

It’s not the perfect plan, I know.  Maybe we did too little, maybe we did too much.  We have no idea what Irene has in store for us, but my mom always told me that in any unknown, “Prepare for the worst and hope for the best.” 

I like that strategy and I hope that is what I taught my kids…because when it comes down to teaching our children skills and strategies for life…panic just is not on my list.

As mop off my desk on the verge of tears, I decide that this day is shot and my only option is to go back to bed, sleep off my funk, and hopefully wake up on the “right side” when I start over. 

I begin to daydream of burying myself under the covers when  I hear my 10 year old son having a meltdown in the other room, so I go to investigate. 

Of course, what I find is the typical end of summer scene for moms of siblings all over the planet…my oldest has been teasing his little brother with everything in sight, including  the TV remote, the kitten, his breakfast and apparently, underwear!  I walk in to the chaos with the grace of an angry bull and send each of them to their own corners where I can interrogate them separately in order to ascertain the “truth” of what happened. 

Max (the oldest) is of course completely innocent based on the mere fact that he is older and was doing whatever he thought was best for his younger brother…and I should appreciate his desire to “help me” while I was having a bad morning.

Alex (My aspie) is totally out of control, but completely logical as he throws the remote in the direction of Max’s head while telling his brother “it makes me angry when you change the channel and touch my food!” 

Hmm, both have valid arguments, where to start?

Violence gets the attention first so I ask Max to leave because he is the catalyst at the moment. 

In typical family situations, once the irritant has been removed, the chaos usually resolves itself…but if you’ve ever spent time with an Aspergian, you know that “typical” is not all that common and de-escalation can take a Really. Long. Time… Too often when our children get out of control, our first reaction is to scold them or chastise them for their “bad” behavior, but for kids like Alex, that reprimand is just one more reminder of their difficulty to control their emotions which typically results in an even bigger, angrier reaction. 

 Thankfully our family has been through some amazing trainings and have learned some useful techniques as a result; one of them being this really cool process called “errorless compliance”.  The process involves praising him for doing what we ask, even if the request is as simple as asking him to put his head on the floor as he is actively lying down, or asking him to punch as hard as he can while he is actively hitting the couch.

By changing his focus and letting him realize success, we help him to understand that when he is calm and he is following directions, he is in control and things more easily flow in the direction he would be happy with. 

We use this process when Alex is so escalated that we can’t even get him to see straight, not to mention listen to us, and we need to help him relax so we can communicate.

I know it sounds a bit silly…but when a child like Alex is completely overwhelmed and at the height of frustration, the most calming thing we can do for him is to inundate him with success.

Once Alex and I had worked through his frustration, I came back to my office and noticed my desk was still covered with cold coffee.  With a fresh perspective, I finished mopping up my mess, then, in the spirit of “errorless compliance”, I made a new to-do list for my day.

1. Break up Kid fight
2. Spend 20 minutes with Alex
3. Clean desk
4. Make to-do list for the day
5. Spend 20 minutes with Max
6. Make coffee
7. Write blog…

WOW! 5 things checked off my list already!  This is going to be an amazingly successful day!  And I didn’t even have to go back to bed…

So the lesson my kids taught me today is this: The next time you are feeling stressed, frustrated, defeated or just plain sucky…stop where you are and give yourself a well deserved do over.  Start by making a new to-do list based on “errorless compliance”, and on no less than the first five tasks, list some things you have already started or even finished today…because on this new list, failure is NOT an option.

It’s not like I don’t realize it!  I know my kids have their moments…I know they can be obnoxious and naughty and defiant…I know they get tired and crabby and bored…I absolutely know that my sons can be total brats sometimes…but the truth is, I don’t want YOU pointing it out! 

It’s like when I unload to my husband about my best friend and the ridiculous fight we had.  I can call her every name in the book and tell him I never want to see her again…but HE can’t!  Why?  Because it’s MY friend! 

The same goes for those strangers in the restaurant or at the mall or the grocery store.  The reason they can’t say a word to me about my bratty kid is because he is MY brat!  And when they question his behavior, secretly, deep down, I know they are questioning me and my ability to raise a decent, well behaved human being…and that is what is truly making me angry.   

I mean let’s face it, it’s not as if I’d be “right” no matter what I do.  With so many studies and beliefs, parenting styles and classes…there is no way on the planet that I could possibly discipline my child in a manner that would please everyone, so I just do what I think will work in that moment and hope no one is watching.

That doesn’t work so well in public places like restaurants; when we are all under the “good parent” microscope as soon as we walk in the door.  I may as well have a squirrel on my head as I haul my infant carrier in on one arm and my 2 year old on the other.  The stares alone are enough to put me into fight mode and I can just hear the remarks flying through the stranger’s heads as they envision the torture they will have to endure sitting next to my kids.  

As soon as Max utters a groan at the food choices or infant Alex lets out a squeak to let me know he’d like to be picked up, a thousand visual daggers fly in my direction letting me know that I’m being judged by a jury of been-there-done-that’s and I had better NOT mess this up! 

So I take my baby out of the carrier to feed him…and I’m judged.

I put him down and let him cry for a minute…and I’m judged. 

I tell Max he cannot have ice cream until he finishes half his dinner which makes him throw a spoon…and I’m judged.

My husband raises his voice to get Max to settle down…and he is judged. 

I take Max outside to talk to him about manners…and I’m judged. 

I walk the baby to get him to sleep while I’m eating…and I am judged. 

Finally, as we walk away from the table, little Max says a cheerful “goodbye” to every single person in the place and they all smile and wave at him as if nothing happened… And I am left boiling in the Judgment.

It’s that judgment that makes parents defend themselves.  It’s the critisism & ridicule which turns us into angry, defensive Moms gone wild! 

So here’s a tip for you stranger:  The next time you see me and my boys out and about, if you should happen to catch us in a moment of “imperfection” and you just know that you could make a difference in my life by telling me everything that’s wrong with my kids and how I should fix it…Please DON’T! 

Because I am their mother and you can’t talk about my brats like that!

I came to this realization when my oldest son started tween barking at me due to a misunderstanding over sleepover plans, and then turned to walk away.

My first reaction was to grab him by the scruff of his neck, but instead, I instinctively reacted like I would with my puppies and blurted out “Max Stay!” Completely shocked, he turned and looked at me at which point I commanded “Come Here!” Which he did. He walked right over to me at the kitchen counter. I didn’t know whether to laugh or keep going (because right around that moment I realized what I had done and was at the point of just seeing how far I could go.) … so, being the good mom, I kept going!

“Sit!” I barked…and Max sat. HA! From that point Max and I had a conversation about the world not spinning on his axis, and we came to an understanding.

Once max left the room, I started thinking about what had just happened and I realized that series of events was nothing short of Canine parenting. It was the same processes we used to turn our crazy, jumping, barking, biting puppies into calm, obedient, joyful companions. Considering that humans are social animals…it all made sense!

Now, I am not suggesting that we as parents should leash our children or bite them back…but I will argue that there is something to be said for the tough love a Momma dog exhibits when she is correcting her young as it relates to the respect and obedience displayed by her puppies in the way they respond to her. 

Here are the eight fundamental steps that I wish my momma dog had taught me:

Step one: Nurture, feed and guard your babies.
As parents, it is our job to care for, protect and feed our babies until they are grown enough to do it on their own. We do this naturally and most of us do it very well…although for dogs, this responsibility ends at around 2 years old.

Step two: Declare dominance & Command respect.
Your child should know from a very young age that YOU are in charge and you make the rules. There is nothing traumatizing about having boundaries, respecting authority and following rules. Those are the things that keep us alive.

Step three: Model appropriate behavior and correct immediately when necessary.
Mother dogs hunt in front of their young before they expect them to do it on their own. When pups mess up, they get corrected immediately and then the modeling starts again…it’s an ever teaching loop…and it works!

Step four: Be simple, direct & clear when you speak.
Too much talking is confusing, irritating and overwhelming. Did you ever hear a mother wolf guide her young? Growl once, kids listen…Bark once, kids respond!  You don’t give a 3 minute lecture to your puppy about why he should pee outside or why he shouldn’t bite his brother.  Keep your expectations and intentions clear and your pups will have no other choice but to know what you are saying.

Step five: Redirect or offer alternatives.
What’s the lesson you’re trying to teach “Don’t play”. Or “don’t play with my slipper”? When our puppies grabbed a slipper, we would take it away because it wasn’t for them. But we also knew they either needed to chew or wanted to play, so we gave them what they COULD have and they eventually learned what was acceptable.

Step six: Allow age appropriate adventure, exploration and encourage play.
Puppies who are raised on a short leash or in a cage, who are never allowed to explore, run, let out their energy & get into trouble grow up to be undesirable companions. They are prone to be nasty, untrustworthy or lazy. They can either be overly aggressive or painfully shy…either way, the only way to raise a well adjusted pup is to allow them to learn through play as they grow.

Step Seven: Reward compliance and good behavior
Everyone knows that puppies will respond better and learn quicker when they are rewarded. Just as excessive or harsh discipline makes for ill tempered dogs, conversely, dogs that run free with no leash or control can get hurt, lost or even killed
Thankfully, there is a happy medium that exists where our little ones are given direction, boundaries and responsibilities and then are rewarded for doing good.

Step Eight: The Moms are Bitches…any questions? 

Mother dogs don’t judge other mother dogs “parenting” unless it is a life threat to the pack.  They take care of their own babies and let the other mothers do the same.  They don’t care if someone else’s pups are louder, clumsier, heavier, skinnier, blonde, black or bald…they just care that they are part of the pack.  The one task they share is to teach.  That they do instinctively and through natural interaction.  They defend, support and trust each other, but they don’t meddle and you will probably never hear them gossip (except in the movies). 

So those are my eight steps to raising great kids.  Even though I have been tempted, I have not made it a practice of commanding my boys to sit or stay, although I do reward them for getting the newspaper and collecting the sticks from the yard. So if that is considered teaching them to “Fetch”…I suppose you could just call me the Alpha Bitch.

But not anymore! Not since I started allowing the people around me (My Village) who appreciate and celebrate me to know my birthday. Now, on this day, I am sent reminders, texts, emails and voice mails wishing me a beautiful, happy, dream filled day! What an incredible gift!
I look forward to this day all year long! For me personally (and with nothing at all to do with the spiritual side) this day is better than Christmas, Easter and Valentine’s day combined! the reason is because Holidays have become a time of obligatory giving of material gifts…very little thought or celebration of the recipient goes into the giving other than the fear of them not liking what we gave. But Birthday wishes! Those are the greatest gifts because they are YOUR WISHES FOR AND ACKNOWLEDGMENT OF the PERSON you are CELEBRATING!

There is no greater sound to our ears than that of someone saying our name…and there is no greater joy than having someone tell you that they appreciate you and want your wishes and dreams to come true.

Can you imagine what this world would look like if each of us took the time to acknowledge something great in the people we come in contact with each day? What if, instead of saying “Be careful”, “Behave” or “stay out of trouble” when our kids leave the house…what if we would say “Be Brilliant”, “You’re awesome” or “Do what you dream”!?

I’m not talking about ignoring things that need correcting…and I’m not talking about walking through life with blinders on…but I am suggesting that if we would embrace the concept of celebrating the Unique Brilliance in those around us on a daily basis instead of just once a year…We could create a village where every day would be a day worth celebrating!

Chris and I looked very young for our age back then ( I swear, once you have kids, you begin to age in dog years) So when we would take our babies out in public, many times we would get the “angry eyes” stares, the all too common “tisk, tisk, tisk” as we pushed our baby stroller through the mall. Occassionally we would even hear groups of people (mostly women) express their innappropriate judgements outloud for all to hear. “Babies having babies! That’s the problem with the world today! And OUR taxes are paying for it!”  Keep in mind…I was 28!  Certainly no baby! 

What made it even harder for me was the obvious lack of support due to my assumed age.  Heaven forbid I would leave my baby cry for 2 minutes while I looked for a place to sit down and feed him while pushing a stroller, searching a diaperbag for a blanket and juggling the bags of stuff I had bought.   And don’t even THINK about asking someone for help!  One woman literally told me “You should have realized how hard this would be before you got knocked up!” 

And that’s where I began to realize, The Village doesn’t exist anymore.

Still, my dream of support and a “sisterhood of mothers’ wouldn’t die completely, yet.  It continued throughout my boys toddler and preschool years. I would join mom’s clubs only to find that “play date” would have been more appropriately titled “bitch session” and trips to the playground were more like WWF competitions where everyone was picking on each other and fighting for control over the sandbox…and I’m not talking about the kids!

I guess I had an unrealistic vision of what this was all supposed to look like…I believed that things were like they used to be when I was little. If my mom had to use the restroom, or change a siblings diaper, or wash sand out of someone’s eyes…the other mothers were right there to lend a hand. They would just step in and take over…it was seemless and it was acceptable…and it worked!   So when did everyone become so against it?

Once my boys reached school age, I thought things would have to get better, right? If nothing else, there’s always school spirit and a sense of community within a school district. At least that’s how it was on TV and in the movies…so I just felt it, THAT is where I would find my Village.

So I joined the PTA! That’s where the REAL motherhood congregates…in my dreams we would plan dances and book sales, we would have Sunday brunches where we would plan field trips and count box tops. We would offer each other unconditional support and advice and it would be everything I dreamed of through those lonely pre-school years. Yeah…..no. Enough said.

That was the last straw…My dreams were officially dashed. I decided then and there that someone had nuked any villages that existed when I was a kid and there was no chance of rebuilding because the foundation was destroyed. So I holed myself up in my own little world and became “cordial mom”. You know who I am. I’m the one who will do what you need me to do if it makes things better for the kids, I spend the whole time interacting with the kids…and then I go home.

It’s not that I’m being rude, I just don’t have time for anything else. I don’t have time for girl chat at the playground because I’m too busy driving to stuff since no one car pools anymore. I don’t have time to stay and help clean up after the assembly because I have to be home for my kindergardener to get off the bus because there are no block parents anymore. I won’t be coming to your moms club meetings because I’m too tired of chasing my kids around making sure they don’t do anything “wrong” and I have better things to do than judge the parenting of every other mom who’s not there.

But more importantly, I’m really busy with recontruction right now…

I’ve decided to rebuild The Village.  I’ve taken a stand for the sisterhood…

So if your kid falls off his chair, and your hands are full…I’ll help him up, sister.

If your baby drops his bottle and your on the phone and don’t notice…oops! I’ll get that for you sister.

If you need someone to sit by the pool and watch your child while you go change another one’s blow-out diaper…take your time! I’m not going anywhere sister!

I’m here to offer a hand when you’re struggling, suggestions without jugement when you ask and support when you need it.  ‘cuz that’s how sisters roll in My “Village”.